So... You'll allow me to rant.. won't you??

Dear God,

So.. sometimes I feel that maybe I shouldn't be in this relationship.. i mean.. here I am.. lying here.. listening to my boyfriend count every single one of my flaws.. and every single one of my shortcomings.. and everything that I seem to do wrong in this relationship..

So.. here's my question to You.. am I really that bad of a person? I mean, am I really all that he tends to think I am.. am I really that bad of a girlfriend.. then.. why the heck is he still with me? Shouldn't he just leave by now.. I mean.. why go through the aggrevation..

I understand that he loves me.. ya.. i know.. I love him.. and I've prayed enough to You for us to survive thorugh all of our trials and all the things that have tried to tear us apart.. but really.. i'm sitting here.. and he's talking aobut how selfish i am and blah blah blah.. I personally am sick of it all.. I really am..

I used to think that I would be really great in a relatiomship.. now.. if i were ever to get into another one.. i won't be scared about what the other guy would do to me.. i'd be scared about what i'd do to the other guy.. how is this right? how is this supposed to be something that is supposed to last forever.. how are we supposed to get married if we live in one week of happy then one week of aggrevated..

Maybe it's a good thing that he's not going to re-propose this christmas.. he's not ready financially and maybe we're not ready relationship-wish.. maybe it's a sign from You that we should think this through.. still.. even if we both want it.. even if we both thought it was time.. maybe in Your eyes.. it's not..

These are the things I need to know.. I hate not knowing why things happen and what are the reasons for certain events and circumstances that come alone.. I wish there was a way to know.. but there isn't.. there isn't a way to know until they actuallyhappen.. i have to wait for the answers.. i have to wait for everything to fall into place.. even though i have to go through the pain and the suffering..

How is that fair??? I nean.. You're supposed to be merciful.. right?

I don't know.. I really don't know.. this week has made my mind spin with all these thoughts about where exactlyl we should be going.. all the talk about financial stability and everything has really shaken me up about the direction of our relationship.. and even though i love him... sometimes i dont' know if we'll really ever get there.. you know.. that place we both really want to be at..

I mean.. cuz everytime i feel like we are almost there.. something always sets us back.. this time around it was the finances and the realization on knowing that it's going to take a lot longer than i ever expected it to take.. it's a shaking thing.. and i don't know why it's stirred up so many thoughts in my head.. but it did.. and i know it shouldn't becuase money has never really been a big issue for me.. but i guess when it's a marriage and a future involved.. money is a big issue..

I just need some clarity.. that'sall.. clarity.. that would be great..