May you rest in peace..

Dear God,

My boss's mother-in-law died yesterday. It always sucks to hear about someone dying. I guess cuz it brings back memories of my own grandmother dying. When I think about it.. i can still see her lying in the hospital bed.. as the doctor turned off her life support.. and watching as she continued to struggle to live.. there was technically no brain activity coming from her.. the system was basically the only thing that was keeping her alive.. no one should live life like that.. so it was a hard decision to come to.. but everyone knew it was for the best..

But watching her heart continue to beat after the system was turned off.. and how long it took for her to actually die.. it was hard.. so.. so hard to see someone die.. literally watching the life slip away from their frail bodies.. it's something i wish to not ever witness again.. hearing my aunts and parents just tell her to go ahead and go.. that we'll be fine.. that she didn't need to keep trying to live.. and then watching as her vitals kept falling.. her heart beat slowing down..

I wasn't very close to her. You know that. We didn't always get along. I always knew that deep inside her, she favored my brother more than me. But i know that she loved me. She loved me just as much as she loved all her other grandkids.. there was apparently just something about me that didn't totally agree with her. And i'm not speaking ill of the dead. That's the last thing I want to do. It's just... I guess.. not being as close to her as the other grandkids were.. i feel like i was as sad as the rest of them..

I cried.. yes.. because it is very painful to watch a love one die in front of your eyes.. but i didn't grieve as much as they all did.. i didn't know her as well as they all did.. I do have my fond memories of her.. and i know she does take care of me and watch over me now...

It's just sad.. i wanted to feel the grief all my cousin's and my lil brother felt when she passed.. but i didn't. I wish i did.. but i didn't.

But i don't want to go through losing another loved one.. even though everyone has a time to go.. and i have to deal with it.. i just don't want to.. it's painful.. and it'll be more painful cuz the rest of the loved ones i have now.. i'm much closer to.. and i know it will affect me so much more..

It really sucks to start the new year off with death, God. But i know it was for the best for her. She was very old and struggling, from what my boss said. I know that You will take care of her now.. and that she is in a far better place. So i wish for her to rest in peace.