Understanding..

Dear God,

Why doesn't she understand.. I'm an adult. Twenty five.. I'll be twenty six... closer to thirty than twenty.. that should account for something..

God, why doens't she let go and acknowlege that I do have a mind of my own.. a life of my own.. and am fully capable of doing things on my own.. even if they don't fit her schedule or if they aren't what she wants to do.. I compromise ALL THE TIME for her.. change my plans.. or alter my plans to suite her after I do something I want to do..

Doesn't she see that?

Doesn't she see that I have gone out of my way for so many years trying to make her happy.. that now.. that I want to do something things for myself.. why does that bother her so much? Why can't she just smile and say "ok"?

She's Catholic.. she believes in the Virgin Mary.. Your Mother.. You own Mother let You go to do Your own thing when You got old enough.. and loved You just the same. But let You live the life You were destined to live.. and stood there AT YOUR SIDE.. and not in front of You holding You back..

Why can't she do the same for me? If she respects the Virgin Mary and all those things Catholics do.. why can't she follow Her example?

And why does she have to talk about me to my father like I'm some sorta idiot? Why can't they both respect my decisions and the things I want in life? Why can't they just let me be happy without them talking crap about me.. loud enough so I can hear it?

It's getting so hard to keep up this strong face. This is all starting to eat at me and I don't know where else I can find the strength to keep going. I pray all the time that they gain some understanding and perspective on my whole situation because this is the life I'm chosing. They may not like the person I am with.. but I love him with all my heart.. and I refuse to let them get in the way of the one that I love..

I keep praying for understanding.. and for them to just be happy for me.. I keep praying that they learn to let me live my own life without making me feel like I'm the black sheep of the family if I do so..

It's getting so hard to be ablee to live.. I can't do this anymore.. I can't keep pretending that everything is honkey dorey here when it's all not..

I can't keep living my life terrified that if i even mention plans i get berated.. and then i get berated for telling them things last minute.. i don't even like mentioning possibilities because they get all snippy about it.. then.. they talk about how i never tell them anything i'm doing anymore..

Don't they see that they are bringing all of this upon themselves?

Would I have to withhold information from them.. or do what I do and feeling terribly guilty over.. if they would just smile and say "ok" if i wanted to do something.. or go somewhere..

Help them be more oopen.. let them try to follow Your parents example.. they let You go.. and they loved You so much.. yet.. they allowed you to live the life You were destined to live.. even when they saw that You were near death.. and all that stuff.. they didn't hold You back.. they let You finish all that You needed to do..

I want my parents' to do the same.. to be able to love me deeply.. yet let me go to live the life I was destined to live.. without feeling guilty or outcasted..

I want to feel like a part of this family again.. but I don't.. I don't feel like I belong because they don't make me feel like I belong anymore.. I don't feel like I belong to any family except for my extended family.. and maybe beginning to feel comfortable in Justyn's family.. beginning to feel like they could eventually be my family also..

I want to feel a part of the family to the people that matter the most..

God.. please.. Lord Jesus Christ.. help me.. please take this burden from me.. and please.. help me.. I don't want to live like this.. take this heavy load from my shoulders.. and please.. show me some mercy..

Amen.