Only at night..

Dear God,

I'm fine now. I mean, I'm ok. I'm not depressed, I'm not down and i'm not frustrated. So everyone's getting married around me, it's fine. It's better to wait til we're more prepared than to rush into it and be flat broke. I can deal with it and it's ok. I know You have a plan for the two of us. I know You know where You're leading us. It's really ok.

Well.. it's ok.. now...

I don't know what it is about the night. At night.. it seems like my whole world is crashing down and I have no power to stop it. At night I feel like the room around me is spinning out of control. At night.. in my room.. especially when i turn off the light.. i feel like i'm being stiffled and suffocated.. everything seems to be wrong at night..

At night.. i feel like i'm being punished for something awful i had done in my life.. it's like.. i don't know what i did to deserve the life i have..

But when i wake up in the morning.. i get a different perspective of things.

It's been this way for the past two days, God. I'm fine in the morning and in the afternoon. But when it comes to Justyn's and mine's evening conversations.. i'm irritable.. depressed.. and i cry.. it's like my whole mood changes at night.. my whole outlook on life changes for the worst.. and i don't know how to shake it..

I have the strenght to overcome this in the morning. I get a surge of power and will and i know that this is only feelings that will pass and taht everything will work out in it's own time.. i just don't know why i lose it all at night. I don't know why i slip and i fall into this abyss of dark feeling at night.

I know Justyn's there for me.. but i'm just so scared that one of these days he's gonna realize that he doesnt need this in his life.. and he'll leave. I don't want him to always have to take care of me in this way. I feel so helpless and I feel like i'm not pulling my own weight in the relationship.. I don' t want him to regret moments with me. I don't want him to think that he's wasting his time on me and that he can be with someone better.. less.. unstable..

I don't want him to change his mind about me and us anymore.. You know we've been through so much of that. I hardly think we'd be able to survive it again if he and i start questioning our relationship again..

I need help God. And I know You are the one I can turn to for it. Justyn helps and he gives me so much support, but he's only human and I know he could probably only take so much before it starts to get to him. Please help me fix this before it does get to him. Please!!!