Seriously.. what did i do??

Dear God,

So.. I'm wondering.. what did I do in my life that has been seen as so wrong in Your eyes that now I have to live this life of neverending punishment??

Why does it seem like everyone in this world seems to have things so much easier than i do? Why do I feel like I have to struggle through everything in this world? Why is it that even when I think that things are going my way.. they suddenly turn for the worse... and then i'm stuck.. wallowing in my own ickiness..

I don't get it.. i really don't.. i mean.. i follow your teaching.. i'm so involved in the church.. not for the outward recognition.. not so that people can look at me and say that i'm such a good person.. I do those things because I like serving you and doing your works.. and sharing my love of Your life to others..

I am in three ministries of my church and i am spreading Your good news to the young children of our church.. then why does my life have to be so full of trials and tribulations and struggle after struggle after struggle..

I don't get it.. i want to be able to have faith in You that YOu will make everything better.. but sometimes I feel like You don't want my life to be better.. sometimes I feel like You want me to suffer like this.. i know it's not true.. but sometimes you give me no choice in what to belive..

I'm suffering here.. I really am.. it's getting to the point where I'm scaring the person i love and he really wants me to start consideirng some sorta professional help.. and maybe sometimes i feel that maybe i should look into it.. but i want to believe that You are here.. holding my hand and helping me.. but it's hard to believe when you throw everything at me and i feel like i'm just so lost in all this turmoil..

I try not to let it get to me.. i really don't.. and some days i'm fine and i get over it.. but then there are days that it's just so impossible to fight this.. and i just feel so hopeless and alone.. and like there isn't anyone in the world that can help me.. i don't want to be like this anymore.. i want to be able to wake up one morning.. just for a day.. and see everything go my way.. just so i can see what it is like to live like everyone else and have the world at my feet.. just so i can say that i had it easy for once..

Is that too much to ask for.. really???

I just don't know what to do or who to turn to anymore.. i really don't and i'm getting desperate..