How depressing...

Dear God,

I'm depressed. I don't know how You got me here again.. but You did. No.. I'm not mad.. no.. I'm not blaming You.. I guess this is Your will be done.. right??

I don't want to be this way.. it causes too much strain to the people around me. I don't want to sit here and cry for no reason anymore. I have a life and i have a love and I don't want to lose either of them. God, please, help me!

There is enough stuff in my life that I have to worry about. There is enough instability in the realms of my little world. Justyn and our relationship are pretty much the most stable things in my world. Well.. him and my kiddies.. and i dont want to lose any of them. Don't cause things to be shaky between him and I again. He's right.. we went through it all last year and I don't think neither of us can handle it again.

We made a resolution to take our relationship more seriously and to not fight so much.. i guess we've been doing ok.. until last night.. I'm not giving up on the resolution.. I know we can go for a long period of time without fighting. I know we can make our relationship work and I do know that the both of us are taking this relationship much more seriously. We both want to spend the rest of our lives together... and if that means a lot of compromise.. then so be it..

I know I said I had a problem with all his stuff in his room.. but he did tell me that if we were to move in togeher.. not all of it is going with us.. and thats a compromise i'm willing to take.. cuz i'm sure there is a lot of stuff he won't agree to having of mine.. in a house that WE will SHARE together..

There are things that are a big part of his life.. as there are things that are a big part of mine.. i dont' have to agree with it.. he doesn't have to agree with it.. but those things are there.. and they aren't going to change.. i won't ask him to.. and he won't ask me to.. please help me find the understanding to be able to just let them go.. I do accept them, God.. I just need to learn to let it go..

I know I said a lot of things that I probably only said as a result of my pride.. and I know I should apologize for them.. and I will.. next time I speak with him.. I don't know what happened last night.. only You really know why I acted and reacted that way.. but some of those feelings.. and some of the things I said.. came out of the worry I have for our future.. I'm just scared that.. maybe we wont' get there..

It just seems like so many things stand in our way of getting to where we really want to be.. and I just feel that sometimes.. You don't want us to get there.. and that You put things in our way.. it's probably all in Your plan.. but I don't see the whole picture.. and I don't understand.. and that's why I question it.. I'm notorious for my impatiences.. and you know that..

Maybe my problem with it isn't as big as I might have made it seem yesterday.. in fact.. it really isn't.. i'm hurting inside and I really don't know why.. everything seems to be going right for once.. and yet.. i still hurt inside.. and I can only fight it so much before I start breaking down again.. which i'm trying so hard not to do..

I need Your help.. to keep me sane.. I can't keep going with this much longer.. I don't know what to do anymore.. I don't know who to turn to..

I have to tell him I'm sorry for everythng I said last night.. I blew everything out of proportion.. he's proven his maturity level so many times to me.. and to knwo that all of it really isn't going to go with us.. that shoudl have been enough and I shoudl have dropped it.. at that point.. the discussion was over.. why did I keep it going??? Sometimes I really don't know why I do this to myself.. why i don't know how to move on from things.. when the discussion was clearly over.. and the problem was solved..

Can't we turn back time and just re-do the whole thing?? Please..