I can't sleep.

Dear God,

I can't sleep. There is too much going on. You see it all. I know You do. There is so much tension but I can't shake that feeling and I'm not going to give in. I am not going to give in. I can't give in. I would be kicking myself in the face if I did that.

I'm hurting and I'm angry and I'm sad. I dont' know how to deal with any of those feelings. I don't think that the situation will change unless he makes that change. But he'd rather defend her than anything else. What is that supposed to tell me? What is that supposed to tell me?

He can leave.. but I don't want that. I really don't.

I just dont know what to do anymore. It's like we are at this wierd crossroads.. neither way is the right way.. both ways are wrong.. there is no right path this time.. there just isn't.. both paths lead to dark and stormy areas.. both paths will lead us to hurt.. both paths will be self-destructive..

We wont' win either way.

I just need some sort of answer. I don't know how. I don't know. I am lost when it comes to this and I pray that you show me a slight nudge in direction. Just a lil beam of light to show me the way to go. That's all. I'm not asking for full blown answers. Just a hint.

Sigh.. just a hint..

Fire of the mind. Fire of the heart.

Dear God,

I know You see what's going on. I know You have Your arms around us. I know you are protecting us. I know that you will eventually clear the smoke around us, metaphorically and physically.

I'm not here for myself. I'm here for so many people risking their lives for us. Please protect them and give them strength to fight.

I'm here for the relationship. It's up to you what you want to happen. It's up to You what to allow him to think of what should be done. I can deal with what You give me. I can deal with what is decided.

Take care of him, God. No matter what happens between him and I, take care of him. If I can't be there anymore, please take care of him. I want to be the one to does so, but if You feel that it can't happen anymore, please take care of him.

You're doing this for a reason. I know You'll make it clear soon enough.

Take care of Southern California. Take care of him. Take care of "us."

Blessed..

Dear God,

Thank you for this day. Really.

Thank you for reminding me that I am truly loved by so many people and that in my times of lonliness, I am truly NOT alone. Thank you for showing me that the love of friends and family is one of the most precious forms of true love. Thank you for showing me something I have forgotten to see and awknowlege for a long time.

Today I feel truly blessed.

I can take on anything, Lord. I am not alone. You are always there and You will always make your presence known. Thank You!