I'm frustrated..

Dear God..

I'm frustrated and angry.. at life..

It's hard to wrap my head around it.. we have no direction.. no ultimate goal right now.. nothing.. we are completely lost..

I take that back. We do have a goal: Marriage.

But how to get there is very unclear to me now.

We had a direction, we had someplace to go.. we had a light at the end of our tunnel. Why did you take that away?

I know that they said whenever You close a door, You open a window somewhere. Lord, we are still looking for that window.

I don't want to sound selfish. I don't want to sound like I don't have faith in You, because I do. It's just that I feel that I always have to test that faith and to really stretch myself thin in truly believing You have my best interest at heart. I do try so hard to surrender it all to you..

But when everything starts going wrong all the time, it's hard to truly believe that You are there. Even though.. deep down inside, I know You are always there.

Bear with me.. carry my cross.. take the anxiety away. Please.

Do You really think I can handle this??

Freak out!

Dear God..

I finally did it.. as I sit here.. at 1:30 am.. on a Sunday morning.. I finally did it.. the thing I have been stopping myself from doing since I first heard the news last Monday..

FREAK OUT..

I have tried so hard not to.. for Justyn's sake.. the last thing he needs is to feel worse about the situation he is in.. to know that I freaked out about it.. so.. I tried.. tried so hard to be strong.. to really put it in Your hands.. to really lift all the burdens upon You.. and til this day.. I am trying... still trying.. so hard..

But I'm human.. and it's in my nature to worry..

So many things ran through my head.. and I had an anxiety attack.. my first one in over six months.. or so it seems..

I'm so lost.. we have no direction right now.. and I need that direction.. I'm scared that we'll be wondering lost forever.. but I know You won't let us down.. and You wont' leave us alone.. but.. It's so hard to surrender it all to You.. but I'm trying.. so hard.. to do so..

Guide me.. help us.. please.. don't let me freak out.. give me strength.. help him.. we both need it soo much..

I'm just at such a loss.. for words.. for emotions.. for everything right now..

I don't know what to do.. I don't know what to do..

All in all..

Dear God..

Help me understand Your decision to take him out of the running. Help me understand Your will. I know that You know what Your doing.. but it's so hard when we don't.

You know he and I love each other. One of the deepest loves I have ever felt in my life.. next to my love for You.. of course..

Please, guide us to the path of least resistance.. we've already been through so much..

But if You still think we can handle all of this.. then.. continue to bless us with strength.. as a couple.. and as individuals... because everyday that's passing that we don't know what to do.. is another day that I feel like I'm falling from Grace..

I know you brought me to the Cursillo weekend to give me strength before You dropped that bomb on us.. and thank You for that.

Please.. just take this burden from us.. help us.. hold our hands and show us the way we are supposed to go..

More thoughts and prayers to consider..

Dear God..

Please.. let Justyn's deputy sheriff thing pull through.. he's been through a lot career and money-wise... and it's really time for him to start shining.. he needs this money.. and he needs this career.. not only for us.. but for his own self.. for his state of mind.. so he doesn't feel so down about this aspect of his life..

I know at times he's frustrated.. and I wish I could take that frustration away from him.. but I know that only You can relieve this burden he has.. and I place full trust that You will.. in Your time..

Honestly though.. I wish Your time were a lot sooner than later.. but.. that's just my opinion.. hee hee..

Also.. please pray for me this weekend as I go on that Cursillio trip.. I really don't know what to expect but I do think that I'm going to learn about the faith in a deeper way.. give me the strength to survive with out my cell phone.. or laptop.. or sense of time.. help me learn to let go of the outside world while I'm there and to open my mind and heart to all that You have to offer..

Please protect all my loved ones while I'm "detached" from the real world also.. I don't want to comeback to chaos.. I know You will protect everyone..

I guess that's it for now..

Thanks.. again!

Dear God,

I just wanted to come back here and thank You for blessing Justyn and I with our two year anniverary.. we have definitely come a long way.. don't You think?!

And I know that the journey is really just begining for the two of us.. and we pray that You continue to be a driving force in our lives and we continue to turn to You for all our worries.. fears.. laughter.. and love..

Thank You and we pray that You continue to bless us and to allow us to give each other all the love with have in our hearts.. kep us strong in faith and in love with You and with each other..

Amen!