Let this be the beginning..

Dear God,

Thank you for giving the three of us that opportunity to kinda.. open some doors.. please allow this the ice-breaker between my mother and Justyn.. please allow this to be the ender of the cold-war between mother and boyfriend..

I'm not asking for them to be best friends.. the last thing I really want her to do is butt into our relationship like she used to do so much in my past.. its' just that i want there to be more than a little formal civility.. especially with justyn and i really realizing how much we do want to spend the rest of our lives togeter.. and with the possiblity of marriage seeming more like a reality.. not time wise.. but.. thoughtwise.. i mean.. it's in our plans.. and it's something that we really want..

I just want there to be a little more than formal civility between him and my mother.. maybe a few small conversation.. just.. more than what they have now..

Justyn is willing to allow this to happen.. but please.. let my mom see that things can get better.. please allow her to open her mind up to this stuff now.. and be nicer to him than she used to be.. please let my mother be someone that doesn't seem so cold to him.. she helped him.. she helped me take care of him.. please let this be the beginning of something new.. something better than what we all have now.. please?

That isn't too much to ask for.. right? I mean.. a little more peace in the world.. that isn't a terrible thing to ask for.. is it?

HELP!

What do I do?!?!

Easter.

Happy Easter.

I guess I really should be saying.. um.. Happy Ressurection..

I just want to thank You for blessing us with opportunities to really spend time together. See.. we're being strong.. we haven't given into the real temptation to do something.. yet.. it's difficult.. but we know we promised and we don't want to let You down...

I'm not going to ask for anything today.. I just wanted to thank You.. for.. all that You have blessed me with..

Timelines.. and patience..

Dear God..

Guide me..

Show me..

I understand.. Love doesn't mean "timelines"..

Yes.. Love is PATIENT. It's just that.. well.. Rachel's not..

If I love him.. as much as I say i do.. then.. love and he.. will always be there.. no matter when that day will come.. and I do believe that he loves me.. and he wants it..

Priorities..

He has his priorities.. and I want him to succeed.. not only for those alterior motives.. but because I do want to see him make something of himself.. he works hard.. and even though.. i do want.. what i want.. I also want to see him find satisfaction in his life.. and I'll help him.. I love him.. and that's what I'll do.

I just need guidance.. I know and I understand all that I need to know and understand.. but I have to start believing it in my heart..

I'm smart enough to know not to rush what isn't ready.. it would just put us into more problems than we really need.. and that isn't smart at all..

I know what I want.. and I know who I want it with.. but I also know that when i get it.. i don't want it to make it cause any unnecessary problems..

I'm not behind.. I'm not ahead.. it shouldn't matter what my other friends are doing.. it's not my life.. help me understand that God.. help me see that i shouldn't compare myself to everyone else.. and that my mother should do that either..

If I really look at it.. sure.. they are getting married.. but none of them have their careers set.. none of them are ready for children.. and they all will live in an apartment.. barely making ends meet..

I understand that all newlywed couples will struggle financially at first.. but if justyn and i are smart about it.. and wait til the right time.. then our struggles will be minimal.. and we'd be able to enjoy that time in our lives..

Help me and the people around me understand that it isn't a race.. please.. God.. because I need support from You.. and I don't need everyone around me asking what's going on.. I really don't..

Help me really understand that everything comes in Your time, God. Everything that happens to us.. happens according to when You think it is right.. not when I do.. what do I know? You are the one that knows what's going to happen to me.. You are the one that guides us through life..

I place my trust in You.. I always have.. and I always will. I know You will not steer me wrong.

I just need patience... I need guidance.. to fully grasp the things I already know..

Understanding..

Dear God,

Why doesn't she understand.. I'm an adult. Twenty five.. I'll be twenty six... closer to thirty than twenty.. that should account for something..

God, why doens't she let go and acknowlege that I do have a mind of my own.. a life of my own.. and am fully capable of doing things on my own.. even if they don't fit her schedule or if they aren't what she wants to do.. I compromise ALL THE TIME for her.. change my plans.. or alter my plans to suite her after I do something I want to do..

Doesn't she see that?

Doesn't she see that I have gone out of my way for so many years trying to make her happy.. that now.. that I want to do something things for myself.. why does that bother her so much? Why can't she just smile and say "ok"?

She's Catholic.. she believes in the Virgin Mary.. Your Mother.. You own Mother let You go to do Your own thing when You got old enough.. and loved You just the same. But let You live the life You were destined to live.. and stood there AT YOUR SIDE.. and not in front of You holding You back..

Why can't she do the same for me? If she respects the Virgin Mary and all those things Catholics do.. why can't she follow Her example?

And why does she have to talk about me to my father like I'm some sorta idiot? Why can't they both respect my decisions and the things I want in life? Why can't they just let me be happy without them talking crap about me.. loud enough so I can hear it?

It's getting so hard to keep up this strong face. This is all starting to eat at me and I don't know where else I can find the strength to keep going. I pray all the time that they gain some understanding and perspective on my whole situation because this is the life I'm chosing. They may not like the person I am with.. but I love him with all my heart.. and I refuse to let them get in the way of the one that I love..

I keep praying for understanding.. and for them to just be happy for me.. I keep praying that they learn to let me live my own life without making me feel like I'm the black sheep of the family if I do so..

It's getting so hard to be ablee to live.. I can't do this anymore.. I can't keep pretending that everything is honkey dorey here when it's all not..

I can't keep living my life terrified that if i even mention plans i get berated.. and then i get berated for telling them things last minute.. i don't even like mentioning possibilities because they get all snippy about it.. then.. they talk about how i never tell them anything i'm doing anymore..

Don't they see that they are bringing all of this upon themselves?

Would I have to withhold information from them.. or do what I do and feeling terribly guilty over.. if they would just smile and say "ok" if i wanted to do something.. or go somewhere..

Help them be more oopen.. let them try to follow Your parents example.. they let You go.. and they loved You so much.. yet.. they allowed you to live the life You were destined to live.. even when they saw that You were near death.. and all that stuff.. they didn't hold You back.. they let You finish all that You needed to do..

I want my parents' to do the same.. to be able to love me deeply.. yet let me go to live the life I was destined to live.. without feeling guilty or outcasted..

I want to feel like a part of this family again.. but I don't.. I don't feel like I belong because they don't make me feel like I belong anymore.. I don't feel like I belong to any family except for my extended family.. and maybe beginning to feel comfortable in Justyn's family.. beginning to feel like they could eventually be my family also..

I want to feel a part of the family to the people that matter the most..

God.. please.. Lord Jesus Christ.. help me.. please take this burden from me.. and please.. help me.. I don't want to live like this.. take this heavy load from my shoulders.. and please.. show me some mercy..

Amen.