Don't.. please.. just don't.. not today..

Dear God,

Please don't let my mom make me pick her up from Chino tonight. I mean, please let me have the courtesy to at least spend the day with Justyn's family. I mean, he took the time to spend it with me. I should at least have the decency to do likewise, right?

Please, let me be able to spend quality time with a family that welcomes me and accepts me. I just wish You'd let my parents be the same way with him, Lord.

I don't know what their problems is, but if they saw what he does for me, shouldn't they feel different about him? If they knew that he makes me happy, shouldn't they just accept that?

Please, don't let this ruin our Christmas. Please!!!

It's in.. now.. it's Your turn.. do as You wish!

Dear God,

Well, I put it in. I put in the application for that lab job out in San Bernardino. Now, it's up to You to do what You want with it. I trust that You'll do what You think is best for me.

It feels a little liberating knowing that the application is now sitting in someone's inbox at the university. At the same time, it's a little scary. It's scary to think that there is a possibility that I might leave the comfort of this job. Now, I know I complain all the time about things here, but in reality.. there's so much comfort here..

I feel like I've done a lot of growing up here.. there's so much comfort and freedom here.. to think.. i just might leave this all behind to work for an acutual university lab.. it's kinda scary.. i don't know what to expect and what kind of people might be there.. and what kinda things I might encounter..

But this is still all speculation.. i dont even know if i'll be called in for an interview.. so why worry now.. right?

I would actually love to get the job. There are so many things about it that appeal to me. The first and foremost being that it's very close to home. San Bernardino to Fontana is nothing compared to drving all the way out to Fullerton. I'd be saving money on gas which is good for my parents.. and eventually.. i might be able to just take over my gas payments..

Also.. I could be getting different benefits.. which just might allow me to go back to Kaiser.. i mean.. i could hope.. couldn't i?

Plus.. according to the job description.. this position is a more suitable fit for what I actually wanted to do when I was in college.. it focuses more on the bacterial aspect of microbiology.. which i love.. and i know.. i totally sound like a science geek..

And according to my boss.. he says that i might have a chance at going to grad school on the universities money.. that's an opportunity I know I should take.. that would be awesome!

But.. I am leaving it all up to You. It really is all in Your hands now. I sent it in and now all i have to do is wait for You to do what You want with it.

Knowing that it's in Your hands, i really have no reason to worry and wonder. You know whats best for me... and any decision You make.. i'll accept..

So.. now.. i guess i'm just going to sit back and see what happens next..

They must think I'm a psychopath..

Dear God..

So people must read these blogs and think that I am an absolute psycho.. i mean.. it's a blog.. addressed and written for God to read.. funny.. "she must be nuts.."

I'm not nuts.. well.. not in that sense.. I mean.. I have my issues.. and I know very well that i'm not blogging to God.. but I know God hears me.. like He hears all of us.. and this is just another outlet in which I could voice my thoughts and prayers to God..

Why blog to God? Well.. why not?? People talk to God.. pray to God vocally and silently.. so.. i do it though writing.. or typing.. if you want to be politically correct..

So.. here I am.. and I'm not ashamed and I'm not embarrassed.. i feel it's just a way to express my thoughts and feelings..

And I really don't know what I'm going to do.. I really hate the unknown.. and i really hate that I have no control.. nor do i even know what will happen to me in the future.. and i know that NO ONE knows the future.. so i'm not the only one in this suspense.. but still..

Have been to greedy with money? Have I been spending too much for You to believe that I can remain humble? I mean.. I've always been the type of person that has wanted to do everything by myself.. that's why i've worked so hard to get to where I am.. and i did it with Your help.. i know I wasn't totally alone.. You have guided me every step of the way..

So.. where are You leading me now? Are You teaching me the value of money? I do know the value of money.. are You teachiing me to save up because of what the future will hold for me? Is it harder to budget and adjust my lifestyle than I thought it would be.. and is that why You are teaching me now?

I know that when I get married and have a family that my income and my life will change for the sake of that family.. but is it harder to do that I had anticipated.. and so is this why You are putting me through all this now? Is this why You've given me the trials with Justyn.. to learn what it's like to really "give and take" in a relationship... Is this why You are giving me a questionable status in my job.. so I can learn what it's like to actually budget and save??

I really wish I knew the motives.. I really wish i had a hint as to what You're plan really is..

But since I don't know what will come.. I want to thank you for what has arrived... what i have.. i am blessed.. and it's all because of You.. so.. thanks..

So... You'll allow me to rant.. won't you??

Dear God,

So.. sometimes I feel that maybe I shouldn't be in this relationship.. i mean.. here I am.. lying here.. listening to my boyfriend count every single one of my flaws.. and every single one of my shortcomings.. and everything that I seem to do wrong in this relationship..

So.. here's my question to You.. am I really that bad of a person? I mean, am I really all that he tends to think I am.. am I really that bad of a girlfriend.. then.. why the heck is he still with me? Shouldn't he just leave by now.. I mean.. why go through the aggrevation..

I understand that he loves me.. ya.. i know.. I love him.. and I've prayed enough to You for us to survive thorugh all of our trials and all the things that have tried to tear us apart.. but really.. i'm sitting here.. and he's talking aobut how selfish i am and blah blah blah.. I personally am sick of it all.. I really am..

I used to think that I would be really great in a relatiomship.. now.. if i were ever to get into another one.. i won't be scared about what the other guy would do to me.. i'd be scared about what i'd do to the other guy.. how is this right? how is this supposed to be something that is supposed to last forever.. how are we supposed to get married if we live in one week of happy then one week of aggrevated..

Maybe it's a good thing that he's not going to re-propose this christmas.. he's not ready financially and maybe we're not ready relationship-wish.. maybe it's a sign from You that we should think this through.. still.. even if we both want it.. even if we both thought it was time.. maybe in Your eyes.. it's not..

These are the things I need to know.. I hate not knowing why things happen and what are the reasons for certain events and circumstances that come alone.. I wish there was a way to know.. but there isn't.. there isn't a way to know until they actuallyhappen.. i have to wait for the answers.. i have to wait for everything to fall into place.. even though i have to go through the pain and the suffering..

How is that fair??? I nean.. You're supposed to be merciful.. right?

I don't know.. I really don't know.. this week has made my mind spin with all these thoughts about where exactlyl we should be going.. all the talk about financial stability and everything has really shaken me up about the direction of our relationship.. and even though i love him... sometimes i dont' know if we'll really ever get there.. you know.. that place we both really want to be at..

I mean.. cuz everytime i feel like we are almost there.. something always sets us back.. this time around it was the finances and the realization on knowing that it's going to take a lot longer than i ever expected it to take.. it's a shaking thing.. and i don't know why it's stirred up so many thoughts in my head.. but it did.. and i know it shouldn't becuase money has never really been a big issue for me.. but i guess when it's a marriage and a future involved.. money is a big issue..

I just need some clarity.. that'sall.. clarity.. that would be great..

An introduction.. of sorts..

This is my second blog on this site..

It's my visual outlet for frustrations that I would like to address to the heavenly being that we like to call our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I guess.. that's pretty much it..