Take care of him, Lord.

Dear God,

Please take care of Justyn.. and his uncle. His uncle is going to have some risky surgery with pretty shaky odds of survival. Justyn's worried.. and so am I... I don't want to see anything bad happen to him.. and it would totally crush Justyn..

I trust You know what You are doing but please don't take him away from Justyn yet. Take care of him and make sure that everything goes well in the surgery.

Let them know my thoughts and prayers are with the family.

Amen.

Thank you..

Dear God..

Thank you. Thank you for giving us this time to try again.. Please guide us both to make the most of it.. we love each other.. and I know You can see that..

I do put my faith in You that You are guiding us... and helping us.. thank You for giving us this chance...

Please..

Please God.. let this be over soon.. please..

Please tell him I love him so much.. and that I'm sorry for any pain I may have caused him.. Please tell him that he means the world to me.. and that I miss him so much..

Please let him be ready soon.. please put it in his heart to come back..

Let him know I love him with all my heart and all my soul.. and I know that we can make it work again.. the good times have out numbered the bad.. and all i keep thinking about are all the good times we've had in this past month.. dispite all our little conflicts.. we've had fun.. Disneyland.. Valentines Day.. Tuesdays at his house.. watching movies in his room.. cuddling.. talking..

I miss looking into his eyes.. and seeing so much love and feeling.. I miss his arms around me tight.. I miss that night i cried on his shoulder.. and he told me that everything is ok.. he held me so close.. and I knew.. I was so certain.. he is "the one"... I looked in his eyes that night.. and I fell so hard.. so deep... God.. don't take him away now..

I miss him so much, God.. let him come back to me soon.. let him know I'm here.. waiting for him.. I just want to hear his voice again.. telling me everything's going to be ok.. he said he wouldn't change his mind.. and i'm trusting he isn't.. i'm trusting that he won't change his mind Lord.. I wont' question.. I won't doubt..

He said this would be good for us.. but all I know is that I can't live without him.. I can't live my life without him..

Please God.. hear my prayers. hear my pleas.. let him hear me.. I wish he could hear me.. I wish I could tell him that I love him. I wish I could hear his voice again.. please God.. let that happen soon.. please.. please. please..

Please let me find some peace in this time apart.. Please let him know all that I am feeling for him.. and how much I miss him.. Please tell him that I want him to call me back soon.. please tell him I'm sorry.. please tell him all these things.. and I'll be sure to tell him again when I speak to him.. please let him call me because I have so much to say to him..

Please God.. have mercy on me.. and on us.. let all this hurt go away..

Please!

Dear God,

Quick favor. Please let these tears stop falling. Please help me feel whole again.

Please.

I don't want to cry anymore.,. I don't want to feel this sickness in my stomach.. please.. God.. if You haven't decided when You've wanted to answer my pleas... Please do it now..

I'm begging.. on every ounce of strength I have left.. to please make this better... I don't want to hurt.. and I don't want to cry.. I just want to know that he's here.. the one person I need right now.. I can't have...

Watch over us and let us be ok from now on. Please let us be ok.. You know how much I love him.. and that should be enough.. you don't give up on a relationship if there is still a lot of love between us..

I haven't given up on us.. Please.. don't give up on us..

Let this all just go away... please just let us be happy.. I know we can do it.. Help me.. help him.. help us.. Please.. I've prayed to You for so long.. to help us.. I don't want to lose him.. the only one that I've been willing to give my heart to in such a long time.. the only one that has gotten me to open up this far.. the only one that i've truly allowed to be in my life like this.. the only that i've been willing to walk through hell for.. the only one i've allowed myself to be totally vulnerable to.. that should account for something.. shouldn't it?

I know I said I needed this time off too.. and I do.. I really do.. and this space is good for us.. but its hard.. it hasn't even been half of the day.. and i'm a mess.. I thought I could just disappear for these few days.. and regroup.. away from the computer.. away from him..

It's hard.. and I'm trying to make myself seem ok.. because no one else knows right now.. but ti's so hard to hide this pain in my eyes.. the tears in my eyes won't stop falling.. and it's so hard too hide this from anyone..

I'm just asking for a moment of peace through this.. til he's ready to talk to me again.. just some peace in my life.. to allow me to regroup.. to allow me to recover..

And please.. when he's ready to talk to me.. don't let him change his mind.. he said he wouldn't and i know that he means it.. but.. I just need to make sure..

Please.. please.. God.. please.. help.. please.. please.. please..

Heaven help me!

Dear God,

Please help.. so much has happened the past few days.. so many things to leave so hurt and discouraged and this is my breaking point.. I had been so hurt for the past few nights... since thursday.. with all the drama and things that had seemed to go wrong between him and i.. and it's seemed so neverending..

I'm in such pain.. and it feels like I dont know if i can even recover from all of this.. I'm in pieces right now.. and i know that this time was my fault.. but things like this shouldn't be happeneing anymore.. I can't recover from this.. it hurts so much and so much damage has been done to me.. and this situation.. too much... and i don't know how to deal with it.. cuz i'm so far broken..

I want to keep fighting.. but i can't find the strenght right now.. i really can't.. I can't find the strenght to fight for this.. i'm being spread so thin.. and i cant survive this right now.. too much damage.. and i can't recover..

I know I have to be strong.. but i have no energy right now.. I have no energy to try.. no energy to fight.. i'm so trampled and broken right now.. i don't know.. i'm so far from a full-recover..

I want to keep going.. i really do.. God.. I want to keep going.. but i can't.. so many things have brought me down.. so many things in such a rapid succession.. and it was so hard to keep up.. to recover in time for the next blow.. and then they kept coming and coming.. until this...and now.. so much has been done to discourage me.. as if i wasn't discouraged enough..

I thought You had given me a glimmer of hope.. an ounce of strenght to try again today..

And then.. it all blows up in my face.. and i'm left nothing.. i'm in pieces.. and i don't know how long it will take for me to recover..

I need Your help.. I need to You to help fix me.. to help fix this.. to just help fix everything.. I need You to take this burden away from me.. You promised to always do that.. that's what You taught us.. and everytime I feel so abandoned..

Pleasse.. just this once.. help me!

Seems like it's been awhile...

Dear God,

Sorry for the delay in entries.. Life has just gotten so hard to keep up with.. and a lot of the things I go through.. I didn't think it needed to be blogged about.. but I have been meaning to do some blogging on here.. I just didn't find the drive and ambition to..

God, I just wish You found a way to make my parents.. notably.. my mother.. more understanding to my life. I just feel like I can never do anything right in her eyes. Don't You think that I'm 25 years old.. and that I should have at least a little more freedom than I already do?

I would love to know what it feels like to be able to just go out without question. Or for me to do something and for them to just be happy and accept what I've done.

Constant criticism and words under their breath.. it really gets to me.. really really gets to me.. so badly that I start to cry everytime it happens..

I used to be able to handle it.. You know I did.. now.. it seems like i've broken down so much.. that it doesn't take very much to drive me to tears anymore.. and it's gotten so bad that i hardly do anything to avoid any sort of conflict.. but then.. i know i'm missing so much..

God, it's very frustrating.. and it's making me feel very miserable just tinking about it.. but You need to really know how bad it makes me feel.. I love my parents to death.. but it makes me feel so terrible to think the way I do and to feel the way I do towards them because they really did a lot for me.. and I hate that they have to treat me like this..

I beg you, God.. please show me some mercy.. I mean.. I do good for You right? I know I'm not perfect.. and I'm not asking for a perfect life.. but.. I just want to be a little less miserable.. I mean.. I tried talking to her.. I did.. and you saw it all.. I know You did.. but it's just so hard..

It's getting too hard to handle.. and You always said to cast our burdens upon You.. and that's what I'm trying to do.. really.. I trust in You and that You will make things easier.. but it's so hard..

Please.. please.. help me..