I don't understand...

Dear God,

Why is it that those that follow you.. or try to follow you.. the closest are the ones that tend to suffer the most? Why is it that when two people feel so strongly about each other.. that they struggle the most to make it work? I know Justyn and I aren't the only one.. Neil and Gracelyn went through the same thing.. their fights were so bad.. that they used to break up all the time.. their fights were so bad that i was told once.. that Neil left the car in the middle of the street.. walked out.. and left Gracelyn in the car.. just so he could cool off..

But they survived it.. because they knew they loved each other so much.. and they are happy.. no matter what happened..

We can be like that too.. right???

God, why is that when feelings are so strong.. that is when things get tested more.. not only in justyn's and mine's relationship.. but.. Your's and mine's relationship.. I don't understand why those that follow you closely are the ones that seem to suffer the most.

Sometimes.. it seems like You don't trust that we believe in You.. and that we follow You..

Sometimes.. it feels like You want us to truly prove our love for our significant other in order for You to approve of us being together in the long run. God, don't You think we've proved it enough??

God, I love him so much and I don't want anything to happen between us. God, You know I don't usually do what I did yesterday.. to plead.. to beg.. I've always just accepted what became of a relationship.. but God, i believe so strongly in this.. I believe that this can be something so great.. I can't.. and I won't let it go..

God, please understand that I love him.. please understand that I have real feelings for him.. and I don't want to lose what I have with him.

I just wish You'd show us some mercy..

I honestly don't know what to feel right now.. I honestly don't know what to do... how to feel.. how to react to anything.. I'm so jolted.. so jilted.. so shaken.. but I'm turning to You for guidance.. I'm turing to You for comfort..

I want this to work, God. I want this to be forever, God. Please, God, You have seen what we have gone through.. and we are still here... doesn't that count for something???

One quick request before I go to sleep..

Dear God,

Please watch over Justyn. Please see to it that he goes to the doctor tomorrow.. or at least sometime this weekend. I dont want him to suffer with the cough anymore.. if someone has to be suffering.. just let it be me.. don't let him go through it anymore.. let him finally have some rest.. just give it to me.. i'd rather i cough than he cough..

Just help him and make him get better.

And please.. watch over us as a couple. I know you've thrown some pretty big curveballs at us.. but i still trust in You that You know what You are doing with us. Please don't give us anymore hurt. I know You can see how hard we are trying to make this work. Please show some mercy on us. This is truly what we want, God. Don't take this away from us. Please. I beg You.

Ok.. maybe that was two quick requests.. but they were both very valid.

You see how we both feel about each other. Please, God.. don't take that away.. please.

Good night!

How depressing...

Dear God,

I'm depressed. I don't know how You got me here again.. but You did. No.. I'm not mad.. no.. I'm not blaming You.. I guess this is Your will be done.. right??

I don't want to be this way.. it causes too much strain to the people around me. I don't want to sit here and cry for no reason anymore. I have a life and i have a love and I don't want to lose either of them. God, please, help me!

There is enough stuff in my life that I have to worry about. There is enough instability in the realms of my little world. Justyn and our relationship are pretty much the most stable things in my world. Well.. him and my kiddies.. and i dont want to lose any of them. Don't cause things to be shaky between him and I again. He's right.. we went through it all last year and I don't think neither of us can handle it again.

We made a resolution to take our relationship more seriously and to not fight so much.. i guess we've been doing ok.. until last night.. I'm not giving up on the resolution.. I know we can go for a long period of time without fighting. I know we can make our relationship work and I do know that the both of us are taking this relationship much more seriously. We both want to spend the rest of our lives together... and if that means a lot of compromise.. then so be it..

I know I said I had a problem with all his stuff in his room.. but he did tell me that if we were to move in togeher.. not all of it is going with us.. and thats a compromise i'm willing to take.. cuz i'm sure there is a lot of stuff he won't agree to having of mine.. in a house that WE will SHARE together..

There are things that are a big part of his life.. as there are things that are a big part of mine.. i dont' have to agree with it.. he doesn't have to agree with it.. but those things are there.. and they aren't going to change.. i won't ask him to.. and he won't ask me to.. please help me find the understanding to be able to just let them go.. I do accept them, God.. I just need to learn to let it go..

I know I said a lot of things that I probably only said as a result of my pride.. and I know I should apologize for them.. and I will.. next time I speak with him.. I don't know what happened last night.. only You really know why I acted and reacted that way.. but some of those feelings.. and some of the things I said.. came out of the worry I have for our future.. I'm just scared that.. maybe we wont' get there..

It just seems like so many things stand in our way of getting to where we really want to be.. and I just feel that sometimes.. You don't want us to get there.. and that You put things in our way.. it's probably all in Your plan.. but I don't see the whole picture.. and I don't understand.. and that's why I question it.. I'm notorious for my impatiences.. and you know that..

Maybe my problem with it isn't as big as I might have made it seem yesterday.. in fact.. it really isn't.. i'm hurting inside and I really don't know why.. everything seems to be going right for once.. and yet.. i still hurt inside.. and I can only fight it so much before I start breaking down again.. which i'm trying so hard not to do..

I need Your help.. to keep me sane.. I can't keep going with this much longer.. I don't know what to do anymore.. I don't know who to turn to..

I have to tell him I'm sorry for everythng I said last night.. I blew everything out of proportion.. he's proven his maturity level so many times to me.. and to knwo that all of it really isn't going to go with us.. that shoudl have been enough and I shoudl have dropped it.. at that point.. the discussion was over.. why did I keep it going??? Sometimes I really don't know why I do this to myself.. why i don't know how to move on from things.. when the discussion was clearly over.. and the problem was solved..

Can't we turn back time and just re-do the whole thing?? Please..

Seriously.. what did i do??

Dear God,

So.. I'm wondering.. what did I do in my life that has been seen as so wrong in Your eyes that now I have to live this life of neverending punishment??

Why does it seem like everyone in this world seems to have things so much easier than i do? Why do I feel like I have to struggle through everything in this world? Why is it that even when I think that things are going my way.. they suddenly turn for the worse... and then i'm stuck.. wallowing in my own ickiness..

I don't get it.. i really don't.. i mean.. i follow your teaching.. i'm so involved in the church.. not for the outward recognition.. not so that people can look at me and say that i'm such a good person.. I do those things because I like serving you and doing your works.. and sharing my love of Your life to others..

I am in three ministries of my church and i am spreading Your good news to the young children of our church.. then why does my life have to be so full of trials and tribulations and struggle after struggle after struggle..

I don't get it.. i want to be able to have faith in You that YOu will make everything better.. but sometimes I feel like You don't want my life to be better.. sometimes I feel like You want me to suffer like this.. i know it's not true.. but sometimes you give me no choice in what to belive..

I'm suffering here.. I really am.. it's getting to the point where I'm scaring the person i love and he really wants me to start consideirng some sorta professional help.. and maybe sometimes i feel that maybe i should look into it.. but i want to believe that You are here.. holding my hand and helping me.. but it's hard to believe when you throw everything at me and i feel like i'm just so lost in all this turmoil..

I try not to let it get to me.. i really don't.. and some days i'm fine and i get over it.. but then there are days that it's just so impossible to fight this.. and i just feel so hopeless and alone.. and like there isn't anyone in the world that can help me.. i don't want to be like this anymore.. i want to be able to wake up one morning.. just for a day.. and see everything go my way.. just so i can see what it is like to live like everyone else and have the world at my feet.. just so i can say that i had it easy for once..

Is that too much to ask for.. really???

I just don't know what to do or who to turn to anymore.. i really don't and i'm getting desperate..

ENOUGH!!

Dear God,

Really, enough with the scares.. enough with the trials.. enough with the threats of setbacks...

I mean.. c'mon.. everything's going well.. right.. why are You giving us these unneeded worries.. why are You punishing us when all we want to do is be happy together???

It's too hard, God.. too hard to deal with all this stuff.. I just want us to be happy.. isn't that what You want from everyone.. for all Your followers to be happy?? Why do we have to go through these scares and possibilities of bad stuff happening to us... why can't we just follow the course that we've been trying to follow for the past year now..

A "thanks" is due.

Dear God,

I guess I should thank you. I mean, I thought I was about to hit the rock bottom again. I felt like i was falling deeper into that hole that took me so long to get out of last time. I felt like i could see the light fading around me. Literally. I never felt this before. I never knew what it felt to fall into the depression. I always just found myself knee-deep in it. And by then, it was usually too late and too long of a journey to get back to normal.

But I guess You know what to do. And You guided me out of that imcreasing darkness and back into the light.

It was the drive home from work yesterday that started it. It made me think of where exactly i'm going with this. I knew this wasn't what I wanted. I had to make that conscious effort, and it was starting to work.. but you know me.. i'm never really postiive about myself and about my own progress...

But it was something about the class last night. Having that parent meeting and telling all the parents that You always have time for us.. You always make time to help us and bless us.. so the parents and their children should be able to at least give one hour to You. And to see the parents and to see the children understand what I was trying to say. The empowerment and the good feelings I felt trying to promote Your good works and everything.

I don't know what it was about last nights class that completely snapped me out of the funk that I've been in. But it worked and I'm fine. I know that there are things I will have a hard time accepting, but I do know.. when i'm not in my funk.. that I have a great support system around me.. family that loves me.. and a great boyfriend that loves me for everything that I am.. and everything I was.. and everything i will be.

I've opened my eyes and I know what I have and I know what I have is great and that what I have will soon be what I've wanted... I know that I'm working towards it and I know that he is working towards it.

God, you know that Justyn and I made that promise to each other that we'll take this dream of marriage more serious and I believe that we are... now.. I truly believe that we are taking it seriously.. and that things will change.

I just continue to ask You to guide me and bless me with more patience... because You know.. as well as I do.. that I need all the patience in the world..

Only at night..

Dear God,

I'm fine now. I mean, I'm ok. I'm not depressed, I'm not down and i'm not frustrated. So everyone's getting married around me, it's fine. It's better to wait til we're more prepared than to rush into it and be flat broke. I can deal with it and it's ok. I know You have a plan for the two of us. I know You know where You're leading us. It's really ok.

Well.. it's ok.. now...

I don't know what it is about the night. At night.. it seems like my whole world is crashing down and I have no power to stop it. At night I feel like the room around me is spinning out of control. At night.. in my room.. especially when i turn off the light.. i feel like i'm being stiffled and suffocated.. everything seems to be wrong at night..

At night.. i feel like i'm being punished for something awful i had done in my life.. it's like.. i don't know what i did to deserve the life i have..

But when i wake up in the morning.. i get a different perspective of things.

It's been this way for the past two days, God. I'm fine in the morning and in the afternoon. But when it comes to Justyn's and mine's evening conversations.. i'm irritable.. depressed.. and i cry.. it's like my whole mood changes at night.. my whole outlook on life changes for the worst.. and i don't know how to shake it..

I have the strenght to overcome this in the morning. I get a surge of power and will and i know that this is only feelings that will pass and taht everything will work out in it's own time.. i just don't know why i lose it all at night. I don't know why i slip and i fall into this abyss of dark feeling at night.

I know Justyn's there for me.. but i'm just so scared that one of these days he's gonna realize that he doesnt need this in his life.. and he'll leave. I don't want him to always have to take care of me in this way. I feel so helpless and I feel like i'm not pulling my own weight in the relationship.. I don' t want him to regret moments with me. I don't want him to think that he's wasting his time on me and that he can be with someone better.. less.. unstable..

I don't want him to change his mind about me and us anymore.. You know we've been through so much of that. I hardly think we'd be able to survive it again if he and i start questioning our relationship again..

I need help God. And I know You are the one I can turn to for it. Justyn helps and he gives me so much support, but he's only human and I know he could probably only take so much before it starts to get to him. Please help me fix this before it does get to him. Please!!!

May you rest in peace..

Dear God,

My boss's mother-in-law died yesterday. It always sucks to hear about someone dying. I guess cuz it brings back memories of my own grandmother dying. When I think about it.. i can still see her lying in the hospital bed.. as the doctor turned off her life support.. and watching as she continued to struggle to live.. there was technically no brain activity coming from her.. the system was basically the only thing that was keeping her alive.. no one should live life like that.. so it was a hard decision to come to.. but everyone knew it was for the best..

But watching her heart continue to beat after the system was turned off.. and how long it took for her to actually die.. it was hard.. so.. so hard to see someone die.. literally watching the life slip away from their frail bodies.. it's something i wish to not ever witness again.. hearing my aunts and parents just tell her to go ahead and go.. that we'll be fine.. that she didn't need to keep trying to live.. and then watching as her vitals kept falling.. her heart beat slowing down..

I wasn't very close to her. You know that. We didn't always get along. I always knew that deep inside her, she favored my brother more than me. But i know that she loved me. She loved me just as much as she loved all her other grandkids.. there was apparently just something about me that didn't totally agree with her. And i'm not speaking ill of the dead. That's the last thing I want to do. It's just... I guess.. not being as close to her as the other grandkids were.. i feel like i was as sad as the rest of them..

I cried.. yes.. because it is very painful to watch a love one die in front of your eyes.. but i didn't grieve as much as they all did.. i didn't know her as well as they all did.. I do have my fond memories of her.. and i know she does take care of me and watch over me now...

It's just sad.. i wanted to feel the grief all my cousin's and my lil brother felt when she passed.. but i didn't. I wish i did.. but i didn't.

But i don't want to go through losing another loved one.. even though everyone has a time to go.. and i have to deal with it.. i just don't want to.. it's painful.. and it'll be more painful cuz the rest of the loved ones i have now.. i'm much closer to.. and i know it will affect me so much more..

It really sucks to start the new year off with death, God. But i know it was for the best for her. She was very old and struggling, from what my boss said. I know that You will take care of her now.. and that she is in a far better place. So i wish for her to rest in peace.

Happy Year!

Dear God,

Thank you. Thank you for 2005. Thank you for everything that you gave me.. and all the lesson's i had learned. I know that I struggled through a lot.. but in the end.. i know that You have helped me survive them all with a new point of view on life. I know that through all the hardships and all the struggles.. there have been nothing but blessings coming my way.. You truly have been watching over me and You have never given me anything I coudn't handle.

Even when I felt like I couldn't handle it all, You showed me that I am much stronger than I am. You've blessed me with having Justyn there by my side.. reminding me of my strengths and providing me with love so deep that it helps me get through it all.

Thank you for 2005.

Thankyou for the blessings you will be giving me this 2006.